So I was hoping that things would start getting better, unfortunately no.
Since the pregnancy announcement my fiance's mom has been fairly mean to me. She's said some unforgivable things, and has been disrespectful, which I don't understand since she liked me before we announced we were pregnant. I've felt that I've had every right to shut the door on these people because of what they've done to me but I haven't. I see how important it is to my fiance so I try, and we have a compromise in place and a set plan for them to visit us and our son, and my fiance agreed to it, and has said that he supports me and understands, but lately he's been causing a lot of trouble and finally admitted it's because of the situation with his family, and complains that I've never tried and that it's been almost 2 years since the first incident that his mom did and that I need to suck it up and let it go. He also goes off about how she did try to apologize, a year after it happened. And I'm sorry but if it takes you a year to apologize and you were told the day after it happened what you had done, then too little too late, you didnt really want to apologize in the first place.
I want and wish more then anything that things were differently but I can't just shrug it off. These are people that HATE gays, they are full Jehovah witnesses and despise gays and lesbians, and when we announced the pregnancy to them my fiance had said that its a lot more common and modern now adays for people to have babies first then get married, and his mother looked at me and said "Just because gays and lesbians are common to doesn't make it right"
I was appalled that she would say that to me, I have nothing against homosexuals, my cousin is a lesbian, but I know how this woman feels about them and to have her put me and my unborn son on the same level was an unforgivable comment. Since then she's done other thoughtless stupid things, one for example is not coming to my baby shower when she was fully capable of doing so.
For my fiance I want this to work and get better, so I'm doing the best I can which is baby steps. I dont feel safe or comfortable around this woman anymore and how could I in my right mind put my son into a situation I don't feel safe with? I'd see myself as an unfit mother if I did that. Thats why we did the compromise. Sorten days for them to come visit in our home. I had already mentioned that in time it will et more frequent, that the times are flexible as are the days. But my fiance is causing trouble, says that the compromise is bullshit, that he never wanted to agree to it. He expects me to jump immediately to what they want and I just can't allow myself to do that without sacrifices my own morals.
I've always had the door open to these people, and I have been trying for a very long time. And right now this is the best I can do for them. I just wish my fiance understood how it feels for me, to be treated so poorly and yet be expected to give them whatever they want. I have reached out to make relationships, especially to his sister in law but how do you think it makes me feel when I send a heartfelt e-mail and really wanting to get together have my son play with his cousin, but have it go ignored?!? I hate how I'm being made out as the monster. I hate how my fiance says he supports me, and understands but is causing all this trouble. We've talked about it all again, and he's said he'll try, but that's all he can do is try. Right now I feel as though my little family is torn apart and my wedding will never happen..
Friday, December 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
An attempted breath
I had gone to see the Doctor, and thank god I did. He diagnosed me with postpartum depression. I had already figured this would be the diagnosis, but my family didn't seem to think it would be, but I'm glad I went with my gut instinct.
For the past few months now I've been thinking that this may be what it is, and that I should go see a doctor. I waited so long in going because my family would always manage to talk me out of seeing someone. I know it may sound selfish or a little high expectantly of me, but I was really counting on my family, my mom and fiance in particular, to see that something wasn't right anymore and to talk me INTO seeing a doctor. I wasn't expecting or thinking that I had to be the only one paying attention to the warning signs, I was really counting on them to see it all before me, and get me in for the help I needed sooner. I feel let down by them actually. These past few months could have been a lot better, a LOT better if only my loved ones had stepped up to the plate and listened to me and saw the signs, and instead of telling me nothings wrong and talking me out of seeing the doctor, they should have offered to go with me to see someone.
So far I've been on the medication for 2 weeks now. I kind of feel different but nothing too drastic. It does take about 2-6 weeks for any actually changes to happen, so I'm going to hold out and hope for the best.
My fiance is supportive, to an extent. He's fine with the diagnosis, he isn't worried to leave us alone or anything, but he doesn't seem to concerned about my emotional state with certain things. See his mother doesn't like me, and after all the horrible things she's done to me I gotta say I'm not too fond of her, so she doesn't see my son very often, which I personally think is best for our family. My fiance wanted to set up a time this month for his folks to come over and see our son, and I just said to him that I have no problem setting something up but that this month was not good for me emotionally, with everything that's happened, I wanted no extra emotional bumps. He didn't listen. He tells me yesterday that he has made plans with his mom to come over this Thursday. I don't even know what to say to him. Since the diagnosis I have weekly doctors appointments and on Thursday's I go to the postpartum depression support group. so this month really isn't good, and I don't like how it feels like he's tossed my emotional well being to the side, in favour of catering to his mother.
I was just really hoping that after how the beginning of the month went, I'd have a chance to relax the rest of the month and catch a breath.
For the past few months now I've been thinking that this may be what it is, and that I should go see a doctor. I waited so long in going because my family would always manage to talk me out of seeing someone. I know it may sound selfish or a little high expectantly of me, but I was really counting on my family, my mom and fiance in particular, to see that something wasn't right anymore and to talk me INTO seeing a doctor. I wasn't expecting or thinking that I had to be the only one paying attention to the warning signs, I was really counting on them to see it all before me, and get me in for the help I needed sooner. I feel let down by them actually. These past few months could have been a lot better, a LOT better if only my loved ones had stepped up to the plate and listened to me and saw the signs, and instead of telling me nothings wrong and talking me out of seeing the doctor, they should have offered to go with me to see someone.
So far I've been on the medication for 2 weeks now. I kind of feel different but nothing too drastic. It does take about 2-6 weeks for any actually changes to happen, so I'm going to hold out and hope for the best.
My fiance is supportive, to an extent. He's fine with the diagnosis, he isn't worried to leave us alone or anything, but he doesn't seem to concerned about my emotional state with certain things. See his mother doesn't like me, and after all the horrible things she's done to me I gotta say I'm not too fond of her, so she doesn't see my son very often, which I personally think is best for our family. My fiance wanted to set up a time this month for his folks to come over and see our son, and I just said to him that I have no problem setting something up but that this month was not good for me emotionally, with everything that's happened, I wanted no extra emotional bumps. He didn't listen. He tells me yesterday that he has made plans with his mom to come over this Thursday. I don't even know what to say to him. Since the diagnosis I have weekly doctors appointments and on Thursday's I go to the postpartum depression support group. so this month really isn't good, and I don't like how it feels like he's tossed my emotional well being to the side, in favour of catering to his mother.
I was just really hoping that after how the beginning of the month went, I'd have a chance to relax the rest of the month and catch a breath.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Seems to get harder each day.
I'm a new mom,
I was miraculously blessed with a little boy. I've always thought that if I were to ever have a baby that it would have to be a boy. Always wanted a little boy, and I got him. So you'd think I'd love each and every day with him right? Be blessed to have gotten what I had most desired, right? Wrong..
The first few months after his birth were the easiest. He slept all day basically, except for feedings. I was able to breastfeed exclusively which I couldn't have been happier about, the bonding was amazing. The nights obviously were rougher, I expected it to be. But still, I loved it. I loved my new title as a mom, and couldn't wish for anything better. But then when he was around 4/5 months old breastfeeding became difficult, he wouldn't feed for longer then 5 mins, in total!! And was always crying afterward. No matter what help I got nothing changed, I tried everything, herbal medications, pumping around the clock, and was finally prescribed Domperidon to up my milk supply. Which helped a little bit, I was able to breastfeed a lot more again, not exclusively anymore, but I was able to handle the night time feedings, but I started feeling depressed, and disappointed in myself for having failed. Soon it got to the point where even on the medication I couldn't produce enough milk, and recently, after 3 months of trying I've had to completely stop my attempts at breastfeeding. Stopped taking the medication and have gone exclusively to formula and solid foods. I think this has hit me harder then I thought it would, harder then anyone thought it would be actually. It's affecting my mood quite badly, it's affected how I see myself. I had originally planned and hoped to breastfeed straight until he was 1, but I was barely able to make it to 7 months. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I did try everything, talked to everyone I could. Even with that though, I feel like a failure, and lately I've just been feeling worse and worse about things, and as the months go on my son gets harder and harder to deal with. Sometimes I think that I'm a complete failure as a mother, and absolutely hate the life.
He sleeps through the night now, which we are very fortunate to actually have happening, but the days with him are much harder then before. He wont nap when he's exhausted, after trying everything to calm him sometimes it just doesn't do anything. A lot of the time my patience is tested and I can't stand the sound of him crying any longer. My body tenses up and my head starts pounding and I get frustrated. My mind and body goes into fight or flight mode and I need to release somehow, my body tenses up and I just want to lash out. So I cry, and get scared that maybe one day I wont be able to think straight and hurt myself or my son somehow. I've talked to my mom, told her how I feel and she says it's normal. Any mother who says she doesn't feel like me every now and then is full of shit. Not overly reassuring but she tries. She says there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm just over tired and too hard on myself, which may partially be true, I need to ease up on myself, but even so I'm going to talk to a doctor and get his professional opinion. I don't want to think that motherhood gets harder and more horrible as time goes on, I want to believe that it does get better and easier, and I want to be able to look forward to enjoying each and every day with my family. I think I deserve at least that.
I was miraculously blessed with a little boy. I've always thought that if I were to ever have a baby that it would have to be a boy. Always wanted a little boy, and I got him. So you'd think I'd love each and every day with him right? Be blessed to have gotten what I had most desired, right? Wrong..
The first few months after his birth were the easiest. He slept all day basically, except for feedings. I was able to breastfeed exclusively which I couldn't have been happier about, the bonding was amazing. The nights obviously were rougher, I expected it to be. But still, I loved it. I loved my new title as a mom, and couldn't wish for anything better. But then when he was around 4/5 months old breastfeeding became difficult, he wouldn't feed for longer then 5 mins, in total!! And was always crying afterward. No matter what help I got nothing changed, I tried everything, herbal medications, pumping around the clock, and was finally prescribed Domperidon to up my milk supply. Which helped a little bit, I was able to breastfeed a lot more again, not exclusively anymore, but I was able to handle the night time feedings, but I started feeling depressed, and disappointed in myself for having failed. Soon it got to the point where even on the medication I couldn't produce enough milk, and recently, after 3 months of trying I've had to completely stop my attempts at breastfeeding. Stopped taking the medication and have gone exclusively to formula and solid foods. I think this has hit me harder then I thought it would, harder then anyone thought it would be actually. It's affecting my mood quite badly, it's affected how I see myself. I had originally planned and hoped to breastfeed straight until he was 1, but I was barely able to make it to 7 months. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I did try everything, talked to everyone I could. Even with that though, I feel like a failure, and lately I've just been feeling worse and worse about things, and as the months go on my son gets harder and harder to deal with. Sometimes I think that I'm a complete failure as a mother, and absolutely hate the life.
He sleeps through the night now, which we are very fortunate to actually have happening, but the days with him are much harder then before. He wont nap when he's exhausted, after trying everything to calm him sometimes it just doesn't do anything. A lot of the time my patience is tested and I can't stand the sound of him crying any longer. My body tenses up and my head starts pounding and I get frustrated. My mind and body goes into fight or flight mode and I need to release somehow, my body tenses up and I just want to lash out. So I cry, and get scared that maybe one day I wont be able to think straight and hurt myself or my son somehow. I've talked to my mom, told her how I feel and she says it's normal. Any mother who says she doesn't feel like me every now and then is full of shit. Not overly reassuring but she tries. She says there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm just over tired and too hard on myself, which may partially be true, I need to ease up on myself, but even so I'm going to talk to a doctor and get his professional opinion. I don't want to think that motherhood gets harder and more horrible as time goes on, I want to believe that it does get better and easier, and I want to be able to look forward to enjoying each and every day with my family. I think I deserve at least that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)